Anvil: The Story of Anvil


Anvil: The Story of AnvilThis Is Spinal Tap is one of the most well-known documentaries to be released in the past 30 years.  It tells the story of a has-been heavy metal band that is about to embark on an American tour (dubbed “Tap into America”) while promoting their new album Smell The Glove.  And even though things get off to a fairly decent start, problems start to creep up: poor management, disastrous prop mishaps, and lagging ticket sales lead to a near-implosion of the band as lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel walks offstage during a show at an Air Force hangar.  Along the way we get glimpses into the individuals behind the band like Tufnel, whose custom guitar amplifiers go up to 11, and his friend and rhythm guitarist David St. Hubbins, whose romantic involvement with the band manager leads to all kinds of problems.  It would be tragically sad if it were true, but fortunately, it’s all a fake documentary from the brilliant minds of Christopher Guest (who plays Tufnel) and director Rob Reiner.  It’s an entertaining and sublimely hilarious look at the strange world of Rock ‘n Roll, and one of the funniest movies of all time.  Viewers with so much as a modicum of appreciation for the music scene watch and laugh because, like all good comedy, it’s funny because it’s true.

But what if it really were true? What if Spinal Tap really were a band haplessly careening toward obscurity with all the power a Marshall amp could muster? Would their plight still be funny, or would viewers watch in horror like rubberneckers observing a car wreck, drawn to the experience but shocked at what they see? Anvil: The Story of Anvil begs just such a question, along with a host of others, and in the process of exploring the careers of this motley crew of quinquagenarians struggling to polish the dust off their aging heavy metal careers with a European tour and a new album, we get not only an intensely intimate look at the lives of these musicians but an incredibly powerful story of perseverance, friendship, and dedication.  And a whole lot of heavy metal.

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

Sure they might be collecting social security, but the guys in Anvil can stand toe-to-toe with any heavy metal band out there.

The film documents the band’s rise to popularity at the height of heavy metal’s popularity in the mid-1980s, when lightning-fast guitar riffs were melded with overblown stage personas, and bands like Metallica, Guns and Roses, Van Halen, and Def Leppard could sell out the biggest arenas in the world.  And in the middle of it all was Anvil, an act hailing from Toronto that stood toe-to-toe with the best metal bands around and whose influence carried over to guitarists like Slash and drummers like Lars Ulrich.  But for whatever reason, Anvil never found commercial success like so many of their peers, and spent the next three decades wandering directionless in a changing musical wasteland. They recorded twelve albums, none of which made more than the faintest blip on any type of cultural radar.  And yet, through it all, the band persisted–jamming, recording, playing shows whenever and wherever they could.  This is where things really get interesting, though, as director (and childhood friend of lead guitarist Steve “Lips” Kudlow) Sacha Gervasi follows Anvil throughout Europe that is so horribly botched the band misses trains, fights with bar owners, and plays shows with less than a dozen people in the audience.

Through it all, and through the process of recording a new record with fabled heavy metal producer Chris Tsangarides, Lips and drummer Robb Reiner never cease to give up on their dream to be rock stars, and that’s where the real heart of this documentary lies.  These two live for one thing: to be rock stars, and they will do whatever it takes to get there. Even if it means working a day job delivering school hot lunches, asking relatives for money to finance a recording session, or taking a telemarketing gig selling knockoff sunglasses.  Like their fictional counterparts in Spinal Tap, they have more than their fair share of hard knocks, but if whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, Anvil has to be one of the toughest acts in the world.  Interviews with friends, family, and music industry insiders reveal how much the deck is stacked against these aging headbangers, but Lips’ persistent optimism and good-natured attitude, not to mention Reiner’s almost-unwavering commitment to the band, keep things grounded in stark contrast to many of the stars of the music scene we see in the news today.  Anvil: The Story of Anvil is an exceedingly heartbreaking but ultimately fulfilling and supremely rewarding story of what it means to never give up on your dreams.

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Speed


SpeedAdd up all the elements that come together in this movie and it seems destined for failure: A first-time director helming an overblown summer action flick about a bus that can’t slow down or it will blow up, starring the guy who played Ted Logan in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, the guy who played Harry Dunne from Dumb and Dumber, and a completely unknown actress named Sandra Bullock.  And let’s not forget some of the movies that were competing with Speed for moviegoers’ pocketbooks during the summer of 1994: James Cameron’s True Lies, a little flick from Disney you might have heard of called The Lion King, and let’s not forget a movie about a box of chocolates that blew the doors off the box office.  Yes, it seems Speed was destined for obscurity in the Wal-Mart bargain bin even before it went into production.

And yet, in a feat that defied all expectations, Speed blew into multiplexes with the force of a runaway subway car and took cineplex patrons entirely by surprise.  Jan de Bont’s “Die Hard on a bus” concept is a mix of incredible action setpieces, tight direction, and solid dialog thanks to some script doctoring by Joss Wheedon.  It’s a classic action hero movie we just don’t see anymore, pitting one man against impossible odds and a hilariously insane villain mastermind.  Throw in all kinds of explosions and sassy female lead and you’ve got a recipe for a good old-fashioned summer blockbuster.  And perhaps that’s what makes Speed so darn good: you get exactly what you expect–nothing more, nothing less.

Speed: Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves

"Did you get the license plate number of that explosion?" "Whoa."

Things start off exactly as they should: with a tense elevator rescue scene that introduces us to the bad guy Howard Payne (played to the hilt by the late great Dennis Hopper) and the hero Jack Travern (Reeves), and perfectly explains Payne’s bad-guy motivation as clearly as if they were fingerpainted on a piece of posterboard.  Payne wants $3.7 million in cash, and wants it now.  If he doesn’t get it, people will die.  Since the movie poster shows an airborne bus escaping a massive explosion, it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the elevator rescue will succeed and the bad guy will continue doing nefarious deeds until he gets his money.  Turns out the very next day, as Reeves is going about his regular-dude business like getting coffee and meeting average friendly LA citizens, Payne sets another plan in motion (har!) involving a busload of passengers that will explode if the bus goes below 50 miles per hour.  And the only one who can save the day?  If I have to tell you, you’re clearly not paying attention.

What follows is a series of increasingly implausible destruction scenes as the bus, driven by regular-chick Annie Porter (Bullock) after the real driver is shot, careens through all manner of urban obstacles like traffic jams, parked cars, road barricades, and even a 50-foot high ramp bridge. Just as crazy as the scenarios are, though, what’s even more amazing is that it all works thanks to Keanu Reeves–it’s like the man genuinely, honestly believes in the character he’s playing. And his utter commitment to this overblown ‘splode-fest actually engages the audience all the more, not to mention the chemistry between him and Bullock, who completely upended the tired stereotype of hapless action movie heroines with her role as the unwitting bus driver.  I don’t know if they got any sort of nomination for best onscreen couple, but they certainly deserved it.

Speed is not to be taken seriously, but it is without a doubt one of the most entertaining popcorn-style action flicks you’ll find.

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Close Encounters of the Third Kind


Close Encounters of the Third KindAs we head into another summer movie season full of action, dudes built like mack trucks, and explosions galore, I thought it would be fitting to take a step back to an earlier time before films were all about spectacle and marketing tie-ins.  Close Encounters of the Third Kind is, in many ways, the best kind of science fiction even though there are virtually no explosions and we only get glimpses of aliens or spaceships until the very end.  Directed by Steven Spielberg, one of the masters of the genre, it follows the story of average dude Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss, fresh on the heels of another little movie he did with Spielberg) who gets a tad too close to an alien spaceship one strange night while out in his pickup truck investigating a widespread power outage.  Over the next few days he starts having visions of an object that he feels compelled to re-create in paintings, clay, and mashed potatoes at the dinner table.  Meanwhile, other people around the country are having similar visions and experiencing otherworldly phenomena, most notably Barry Guiler, a kid with a curious bent who wanders a bit too far from his mom one night only to get picked up by the invaders. Throughout all this we never actually see the aliens–only the effect they are having on the people who claim to have experienced these encounters.

While North America is being sent into a tizzy trying to deal with the strange phenomenae, entire squadrons of missing World War II aircraft are discovered in the desert in mint condition.  It’s these strange events that cause French scientist Claude Lancombe to investigate the matter further, leading to the eventual discovery of a probably location for an alien landing site along with five distinct musical tones that might possibly lead to a method of communicating with the extra terrestrials.  Keep in mind there’s no gunfights, and no national monuments are singled out for destruction.  In many ways, Close Encounters of the Third Kind more accurately resembles a cerebral thriller or mystery like Inception or Vertigo rather than a traditional science fiction movie, but it’s these qualities that make it anything but traditional.  And yet, Spielberg keeps things engaging and interesting throughout, while building up to a climax that is as massive in scope as anything we might see in a multiplex today.

Close Encounters: Roy Neary

Roy Neary, searching for meaning in a pile of clay.

Just as E.T. was first and foremost a story about divorce that also happened to involve aliens from another planet, Close Encounters is a story about family that is struggling to stay together despite the father’s descent into madness.  Roy Neary is a good guy who is overcome with strange visions, and pushes his family away while they struggle to deal with changes they cannot hope to understand.  The focus is kept squarely on Neary’s quest for understanding, Jillian Guiler’s search for her son, and their refusal to accept anything other than concrete answers.  Strangely, there is little to be found in the way of redemption, as Neary makes some very unexpected choices near the end–choices that Spielberg himself has since admitted he would change if he were to make the movie today.  But these unconventional choices made by Neary lend an authentic quality to the movie that is fairly unique in modern cinema, and coupled with the stunningly realistic special effects that can easily hold their own against anything Hollywood has to offer today, catapult Close Encounters to the upper echelon of cinematic science fiction. This one is not to be missed by anyone who is a fan of the genre, or anyone who just likes good movies.

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The Naked Gun and Police Academy


The Naked GunPolice AcademyBefore delving into a real comparison of these two movies, I should probably offer a disclaimer.  While I am using the category “Comedy” to file these movies here on Walking Taco, only one actually qualifies.  The Naked Gun is indeed a comedy by any definition: it’s smart and quick-witted, with a host of jokes ranging from cheap visual gags to elaborately constructed setpieces that go to great lengths just to get a laugh.  It also stars one of the funniest comic actors in the last three decades: Leslie Nielsen, whose deadpan delivery and impeccable comic timing have yet to be replicated.  Police Academy, however, is about as far from a comedy as a movie could possibly be.  Full of a cast of dull one-dimensional characters, painfully obvious setups leading to head-smacking punchlines that are an insult even to middle-school humor, this cinematic travesty is a turkey I would not wish upon anyone.  And it’s big star?  That dubious distinction goes to…(drum roll please)…Steve Guttenberg.  *sigh*

So what’s left to write about?  A lot, actually.

Frank Drebin

Frank Drebin, kicking criminal behinds and taking names...if only he could find a notepad.

Nearly every comic send-up today owes a huge debt to comedies like The Naked Gun and its forebears, Top Secret! and of course Airplane! (Because sometimes a title just needs an exclamation mark to, you know, really nail the point.) These types of spoofs work well because they offer pitch-perfect parodies of their subject matter (police movies, Elvis movies, and disaster movies, respectively) while never taking themselves seriously.  The Naked Gun, like most good parodies, has a plot that would actually work well in and of itself: the queen of England is coming to town, but her visit is put in grave danger by the threat of an assassin.  Veteran detective Frank Drebin (Nielsen) is called upon to protect the queen while also investigating the attempted murder of his longtime partner Nordberg (O.J. Simpson, who flexes an impressive set of comedy chops).  This fairly mundane premise offers fertile ground for all kinds of jokes and sight gags, and hardly any scene goes by without some kind of pun, joke, or visual absurdity.  While some fall flat, creators David and Jerry Zucker take a quantity-over-quality joke, flooding the movie with such a massive amount of comic moments that it’s impressive to behold.  From the opening credits, which are shown while the camera sits atop a police car, siren blaring, that careens through all kinds of strange locales including gritty city streets, a car wash, and a suburban living room, we know exactly what kind of movie it’s going to be.

Carey Mahoney.  Um...yeah.

Carey Mahoney. Um...yeah.

Police Academy, by contrast, stumbles from the opening scene and only gets worse from there out.  During the opening credits we are told point blank (violating one of the most basic rules of storytelling, show don’t tell) that the mayor of the city has declared that the police academy will accept anyone regardless of age, physical fitness, or education level.  Get it? Lots of crazy people are going to be put through cop training!  Oh gosh, I wonder what kind of wacky hijinks they will come up with!  …*sigh*…  Sure enough, we get a checklist of stupid characters so generic it almost hurts:  the dumb fat guy, the over-zealous military wannabe, the suave Latino, the silly black guy, the serious black guy, the hot chick, and finally our (supposedly) good-looking bad boy Carey Mahoney (Gutenberg).  Any and all attempts at humor land with a dull thud, such as when the fat guy (honestly, character names don’t even matter) shows up and asks Mahoney about the Academy.  Mahoney, who is desperate to get thrown out of the place, tells him that the Commandant’s house is the main office.  Gee, I wonder what will happen next?  Yup, you guessed it.  The stupid fat guy goes in the front door, continues through the living room, and accidentally walks in on the Commandant’s wife while she is taking a shower.  I mean seriously, it’s such an insipid setup for such a dumb joke I just about shut the movie off right then and there lest I actually get dumber while watching.  And the hope that maybe, just maybe, things would improve.

Nope…every single “joke” is just as stupid.  I honestly tried to find something funny in Police Academy, but like The Hangover, the film relies on raunch, substituting filth for funny.  It’s a startling contrast to The Naked Gun, which is funny because it takes serious situations and turns them on their head in hilarious ways you would never expect.  E. B. White said that analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies. Rather than taking apart an amphibian, I would suggest that anyone interested in finding out what makes something funny just watch The Naked Gun and Police Academy.  Or better yet, just skip the latter and watch The Naked Gun twice.

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The Naked Gun

Police Academy

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Unstoppable


UnstoppableTony Scott is kind of like the Toyota Corolla of directors.  He’s not your go-to guy when you want creativity, exceptional storytelling, or cinematic wonder.  But he’s reliable, always gets the job done, and you will probably have some fun along the way too.  Having never achieved quite the level of notoriety as his older brother Ridley Scott, creator of groundbreaking films like Alien and Blade Runner, he has nonetheless careved out a comfortable niche for himself over the years by churning out action films ranging from decent to pretty darn good.  You might have never heard of his movies Deja Vu, Spy Game, or Crimson Tide (and if not, you should definitely check them out) but titles like Days of Thunder and Top Gun will definitely ring a bell.  Unstoppable fits perfectly within the Tony Scott catalog, offering an engaging thrill ride with likable characters and just enough explosions to keep the crowd cheering.

Like another movie about a fast-moving vehicle that cannot be stopped, Unstoppable is about as straightforward as they come: a runaway train full of (what else?) toxic waste must be stopped before it ravages the Pennsylvania countryside, not to mention another train full of (because if you’re gonna go, you might as well go all the way) young schoolchildren. The Commonwealth’s only hope for salvation from certain doom lies in the hands of grizzled “I’ve seen it all, son” train engineer Frank (Denzel Washington, doing his working-man schtick) and young wet-behind-the-ears punk conductor Will (Chris Pine, whose steel-blue eyes lit up the screen a couple years ago as Captain Kirk).  Sure this unlikely pair starts off on the wrong foot, what with Will’s penchant for disobedience and Frank’s insistence on always following the rules.  But when a typical day of switching train cars and hauling freight goes spiraling out of control, who ya gonna call?

Unstoppable: Denzel Washington

Because there aren't enough hero shots of Denzel Washington on top of a train.

The curious thing about Unstoppable is that our heroes spend pretty much the entire movie confined to a closet-sized train cab, while most of the action happens entirely out of their control.  Frank and Will are not on the runaway train, but on another train traveling on the same tracks.  If this were The French Connection, Bullitt, or another prototypical chase movie, vehicles would be careening about while exploding all manner of flotsam and jetsam. But Scott wisely builds tension with escalating doomsday scenarios that start with the possible impact of the train with a couple of horses and ends with the possibility of the runaway train essentially transforming a good chunk of blue-collar Pennsylvania into a toxic wasteland.  And while the archetypal corporate types at Railroad HQ want to simply derail the train and cut their losses, Frank decides to take matters into his own hands and essentially run down the train with the locomotive he and Will are riding in, couple to it, and throw their engine in reverse.  It’s a plan that’s so crazy it just might work.

The real life scenario upon which this movie is based was nowhere near as dramatic as Scott’s version, but the conductors were no less heroic than their Hollywood counterparts.  But the other characters are a little too overwrought and one-dimensional to be taken seriously.  From the railroad president, who pauses his game of golf just long enough to ask if the runaway train will affect his company’s stock price, to the horrendously incompetent train engineer who is responsible for the train’s escape in the first place, everyone whose name is not on the movie poster is pretty much here to deliver obvious exposition or blatantly further the conflict.  It’s not a bad thing, though, as this keeps the focus of the movie sharp and uncluttered.  And through smart pacing and a couple decent side-plots involving other characters attempting to bring the runaway train to a halt, Unstoppable succeeds at being a thoroughly entertaining action movie that really does a good job of keeping viewers engaged and (dare I say it? Yes I think so) on the edge of their seats.

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Battlestar Galactica: Season 2.5


Battlestar Galactica Season 2.5One of the challenges when doing serial television is that the plot always has to move forward.  It’s sometimes difficult to put things on hold and explore characters or issues in isolation from the main story arc, especially when the entire premise for a show is based on an overarching plotline.  Of course the main draw of serial television is that it always gives viewers something new to look forward to: how will this get resolved? What will happen next? Will they make it out alive? Or, in the case of shows like Lost, there’s always the hope of finding out answers to deep-seeded questions.  Battlestar Galactica straddles the line between episodic and standalone, with the constant threat of the Cylons looming like a shadow over the remnants of humanity while single episodes are also devoted to tangents that go deeper into the character side of things.  Season 2.5 continues all the threads set forth in Season 2, though in a bit of a departure there are also a couple of episodes that could feasibly stand entirely on their own and have virtually nothing at all to do with the Cylons.  It culminates in a two-part finale that throws caution to the wind and takes the series in an entirely new direction altogether, setting up some major changes in the plot for both humans and cylons.  In short, Season 2.5 in many ways lives up to the promise of the show when it first started.

In typical Battlestar Galactica fasion, things start to go bad pretty quickly after the reunion of the Pegasus and the rest of the fleet at the end of Season 2.0.  Power struggles, military coups, and strained relationships are the name of the game as the fleet struggles to deal with a change of leadership and shifting political alliances among the various fleet ships.  This kind of political intrigue is actually one of the best things about the show, as a constant theme of fallibility is reiterated throughout several episodes.  Leaders, even the venerable Commander Adama, make mistakes even when they think they are doing the right thing, and it often costs valuable resources or even human lives.  This sets Battlestar Galactica apart from other science fiction shows in that actions have very real and lasting consequences, not neat little bows that are perfectly tied up at the end of each episode.  A couple of prominent characters meet their end in Season 2.5, and their loss does not come across as a cheap ploy to up the dramatic tension but seems like the natural result in a series of tough choices made by them or others around them.

Battlestar Galactica: Starbuck

Starbuck, fighting cylons and taking names.

One of my earlier criticisms of the show was that it often focused more on shock-and-awe rather than exploring characters and human issues, and a great many strides are taken to rectify this in Season 2.5. One particular episode, Black Market, explores some particularly heavy issues for Apollo as he comes to realize some harsh truths about the unvarnished side of humanity that flourishes even in the ragtag collection of spaceships and traders all struggling to survive.  Echoes of desegregation struggles and present-day cultural tensions are brought to light as well through the fleet’s struggle to accept Sharon, a cylon who becomes increasingly integral to the human remnant. There’s even an episode titled Scar that sheds an entirely new light on the cylons when we discover that even though they are essentially programmed computers, they have personalities and even the flying ship drones might be far more human-like than was previously thought.  Of course there are still what seem like requisite soap opera storylines with various characters hooking up, getting jealous, and retaliating, but thankfully these are severely toned down.

The series culminates in what is easily the most dramatic departure for the show yet, and the final two-part episode brings some incredible changes to the Battlestar Galactica we have grown to know so well. And it’s a good thing too, since the cylons-hunting-humans storyline begins to wear a little thin.  As I mentioned earlier, this is one of the problems with this kind of premise since things continually point to a culmination or climax, but should that point ever be reached the show itself might cease to have a reason for existing.  And the drastic change of events at the end of season 2.5 is somewhat of a bellwether for the show as a whole, keeping enough of the former storyline intact while allowing for sweeping changes in order to keep things fresh and new at the same time.

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The Towering Inferno


The Towering Inferno isn’t exactly a complicated movie.  The premise here is pretty simple:  A gigantic building catches fire.  People are trapped, and the fire department has to come put it out.  Sure there are other storylines going on, and an ensemble of interesting characters to follow, but these periphery elements are really just there to advance the story about the fire and ratchet up the tension even more.  The Towering Inferno is a big-budget disaster flick in the grandest tradition of the genre, starring some of the biggest names in movie history, and for the most part it gets everything right.  From the start we are introduced to Paul Newman, an architect who has just finished putting up San Francisco’s newest skyscraper:  a 130-story tall behemoth that makes all other skyscrapers seem like LEGO projects.  There’s a big party right near the top floor where all the most important people in town have shown up for a gala event in order to commemorate the opening of the structure.  And on the bottom floor an electrical engineer is worried about the potential for fires due to low-quality wiring and other cost-cutting measures.

Gee, I wonder what will happen.

Sure enough a fire breaks out, and it’s up to our hero to save everyone.  Well, along with a little bit of help from the fire department and Chief O’Hallorhan, played by Steve McQueen.  Several decades ago, movie stars didn’t get any bigger than Paul Newman or Steve McQueen.  But just like Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino in their heydays, these two stars rarely shared screen time together.  So putting them in the same movie was virtually guaranteed to produce a hit, not to mention tossing other names in for good measure like Faye Dunaway and Fred Astaire.  It all adds up to a tension-filled action movie that starts off a little slow but once it gets going, never lets up clear through it two-and-a-half hour run time.

"And then I'll launch myself over the building on a motorcycle..."

Audiences today have grown accustomed to big-budget disaster flicks and massive destruction scenes like those in the spectacularly overblown epic 2012.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, as modern visual effects wizardry can put us right in the middle of the path of destruction like never before (not to mention the 3D technologies that are becoming increasingly common in movies).  But part of the appeal of The Towering Inferno is seeing the building catch fire, watching massive sets being destroyed right before our eyes, and knowing that the flames are real even if the walls and windows are fake.  If this movie were made today, we would be subjected to all sorts of zooms and pans through CGI fire while actors were safely prancing around in front of green screens.  Newman and McQueen even did many of their own stunts, including some rather dangerous ones near the end during the final last-ditch effort to quench the blaze.

Several bits of the plot are so contrived it’s practically groan-worthy, such as the introduction of a deaf character who doesn’t know the fire alarms are blazing, the mere existence of the cocky son-in-law of the building owner who instructed the construction workers to cut corners, and even (yes they actually went there) a kitty cat who needs rescuing.  But the real star of the show is the enormous blaze and the sheer futility of all the efforts of the firemen to stop it.  A couple different schemes are attempted in order to rescue the party guests, and some of them fail spectacularly and even a little unexpectedly.  Even though the end is never really in doubt, it’s a fun ride and a fantastic disaster movie that could easily hold its own against anything Hollywood has to offer today.

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Waterworld


WaterworldLet’s get this out of the way right from the start: Waterworld is not a terrible movie.  Despite its infamous reputation, it’s not nearly as bad as legend would have us believe.  It is a deeply flawed film, but it’s no more or no less horrible than 80% of the other films in its easily-identifiable genre of post apocalyptic action movies.  That being said, any film that opens with the hero peeing into a cup, recycling it through a rusty Rube Goldberg coffee maker, and drinking it again is probably not destined for greatness.  But to understand this movie it’s helpful to step back in time a couple of decades…

The 1990′s were kind of a strange time.  Grunge rock was saturating the airwaves, people were trying to figure out new technologies like cell phones and the internet, and and school kids passed their time by trading cardboard circles on the playground. Along with these strange activities came a healthy dose of fear about the earth either burning up from mysterious holes in the ozone layer or collapsing under the weight of gabillions of tons of cans that schoolkids refused to recycle.  Even PBS got on the bandwagon with an almost-unfathomably cheesy cartoon about purple aliens who battle capitalists, or something like that.  But despite repeated efforts to help people understand the catastrophic consequences of refusing to reduce and reuse, the message just wasn’t getting through.  And as we recently learned from the Gulf Oil Spill, who better to turn to in dire situations than Kevin Costner?

Waterworld

Enola, Helen, and The Mariner, searching for any hint of logic in the screenplay.

Yup, that’s right.  Dances With Wolves himself was going to singlehandedly drive home the message that we all need to stop drinking out of juice boxes and once and for all by making a movie where the entire planet was covered with water because…(wait for it)…the ice caps have melted thanks to humanity’s environmental shortsightedness!  But what’s that, you say? The ice caps melting would only cause the oceans to rise a couple hundred feet?  Bah!  Facts matter not to Hollywood when a buck can be made, and so in 1996 Waterworld was unleashed in theaters across America.  It tells the tale of a nameless man known only as The Mariner (Kevin Costner) who…um…sails a boat a lot.  Sometimes he meets people, but since this fish-eat-fish world is pretty low on resources people aren’t all that friendly anymore.  And the least friendly of all are a scrappy group of metalheads known as Smokers who go around beating people up and shooting things because…well, we’re actually never given any sort of reason why the Smokers do this.  It was probably just to fill in a box on the casting sheet:  “Bad guys?  Check.”

Pretty soon the Mariner comes across an atoll where a couple dozen people are holed up and eking out a living by eating dirt and counting plastic bottle caps.  There’s also a girl named Enola who has a mysterious tattoo on her back that could very well lead to dry land, a crazy scientist, and a community leader who looks just like Al Borland whose sole purpose in the movie is to deliver painfully dull bits of exposition.  The inhabitants sentence the Mariner to die because he’s different from them (because what’s a postapocalyptic thriller without some modern social commentary thrown in for good measure?), but before you know it those darn Smokers show up and start blasting the atoll to bits and running into it with jet-skis.  At this point one might wonder why, in a world where even scraps of paper are regarded as priceless treasures, a group of individuals would be more interested in destroying a floating fortress rather than simply capturing it and taking its resources, thus giving them a strategic advantage and a home base for staging operations.  Because explosions are cool, that’s why!  And what about the fact that blowing the atoll to smithereens might very well kill the tattooed girl they are so interested in finding?  Because explosions are cool!  *sigh*

The late great Dennis Hopper, demonstrating why he was always the best choice for a movie villain.

The Mariner, Enola (“alone” spelled backwards…get it?), and her adoptive mother Helen (Jeanne Tripplehorn) spend the rest of the movie sailing around on the Mariner’s boat while having domestic disputes about Crayola crayons and taking swimming lessons.  The Smokers show up from time to time to cause headaches and complain about how that darn Mariner keeps getting away from them.  But we all know where this is going and how it’s going to end, and to be honest it doesn’t even matter that much.  And yet, after all this, I maintain that Waterworld is actually not that terrible.

Despite the hokey premise, the silly cast of characters, and the wandering plot, Waterworld is a pretty stunning action flick with ridiculously gigantic setpieces and one of the coolest villains in recent memory.  The sets are real, and when the enormous atoll is getting ripped to shreds the feeling of danger is pretty darn visceral.  The entire movie strives to belong to that elite pantheon of films who deserve the adjective epic, and even though it doesn’t work it gets some points for trying.  The ending climax aboard a derelict floating tanker is an amazing sight to behold, and Costner displays the type of old-school heroics we don’t often get in wimpy modern protagonists nowadays.  But even more than the go-big-or-go-home scale of the presentation, the real reason to see Waterworld is Dennis Hopper. As the leader of the Smokers, he basically is given free reign to be as mean and despicable as any PG-13 villain in movie history.  And boy, does he go for broke here.  He gleefully romps around tossing insults and sly quips like candy at a parade, offing his enemies with joyful aplomb, and is clearly two shades shy of all-out crazy.  Slinging lines like “You know, he’s like a turd that won’t flush” with what appears to be actual, genuine sincerity is something only Hopper could have pulled off, and his performance is so brazenly ostentatious it’s a sight to behold.

Waterworld is often remembered as one of the biggest bombs in movie history, but it actually turned a healthy profit in total worldwide numbers.  This environmentalist fable-turned-action epic does not reach greatness, but not for lack of trying.  It is no Mad Max, Children of Men, or 12 Monkeys, but it’s no Battlefield Earth either.  It’s definitely worth a look, as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into.

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